Suede Online

...I think the thing I'm really panicking about, more than getting rejected by schools, is that no matter what happens, in a few months, all the routines I've gotten used to will be gone. No more logging on here at 7 in the morning at school, no more meeting with people who actually LIKE me, no more 40 minute drive out here for me to listen to music...no more cute girls who actually talk to me, even if they're just brutal teases...


Mark, you asked why I'm so into My Fair Lady right now, and I think part of it is that the lead guy, Henry Higgins, supposedly has the same strain of autism I have, and his last song reflects that (actually, all of his songs do, but that one more than others). It's his version of a love song; he doesn't come out and say, "I love Eliza." Instead, he says, "I've grown accustomed to her face."

And that's just beautiful to me, because I know exactly how he feels. The song goes back and forth between bitter angriness and sort of a resigned sadness:

"I was serenely independant and content before we met. Surely I can always be that way again. And yet...I've grown accustomed to her looks. Accustomed to her voice, accustomed to her face."

It's not just about a fear of the new. I'm really not capable of certain emotions, and so routines are the closest I can get to them. And everytime I have to completely remake my life...well, it's not the most pleasant of experiences. Because even if I find new routines, I'll still feel used to the old ones...accustomed, if you will.

shit!!!... I feel exactly the same, exactly, in fact recently someone very close to me (who also happens to be a trained psychologist) bascially told me he thinks I HAVE to change the way I am living and go and do other things... but that scares me, pathetic as it sounds - the people, friends, job, places, routines everything in my life I have I am used to and I find change really fucking difficult - I am scared of not finding the 'thing'/person/job I want if I give up what I have and fear of the unknown - well has actually caused me a great deal of anxiety over the past couple of weeks - the fear of change, needing to change but not knowing how or what I want or how to achieve it... see, I told you i'm a fuck up!... maybe i'm autistic too, god knows, but I know i'm negative, pessimistic, fearful, anxious, sociaphobic and constantly battling for self belief but never quite finding any kind of direction or channel...

[quote="mark"] needing to change but not knowing how or what I want or how to achieve it... quote]

Yeah, I can relate to this, in particular. Everything I've ever had, I've stumbled onto accidentally. I've mapped out plans, sure, but they're pure fantasies. If I'm actually trying to do something with my REAL life, I can't do anything, because I don't know what I want, and even if I did, I'd be lost as how to get it.

Sort of like the "trying to find a girlfriend" thing.

I really am starting to think we should get married lol, we could help eachother... All I know is I want to be happy but again there are ways and means of achieving that - i'm happy in 'ways' but not fulfilled or content...

I think we'd be bad for each other, gender/sexuality concerns aside. We're too much alike. We'd only doom each other even more.



Like alcoholics marrying each other. I mean, I don't know if there's any evidence that that's a bad thing, but I wouldn't think it would lead to a greater percentage of happier endings than your average marriage.

oh and I forgot to add i'm also scared of taking risks and falling flat on my face and hating myself for that... god i'm really making myself sound like a terrific person aren't I???!!!

Yeah but maybe knowing how we are we could understand eachother better and try and help eachother... I dunno, I get what you mean, I think i've got inner strength there's just something within me holding myself back... It always has, I know deep inside I am wasting my potential but i'm not a fighter, it takes guts and fight and passion not just hard work and talent or intelligence to be a success... You have to fight and i'm not good at fighting, I 'make do' for an easier life.... I'm harder and stronger than I once was, believe me, so much, I was ... well REALLY, REALLY bad when I was young... insecurity, lack of belief and confidence, issues with my past obesity and dealing with my sexuality (which really has been hard because in so many ways I am a very 'str8' person and for many reasons I have actually not wanted to accept or admit to being gay) apart from my genes which make me a naturally anxiety prone person all play a part...

god i'm being way too honest and open here aren't I???!!!... Your fault Andrew!!!!...

ocd...

mark wrote:oh and I forgot to add i'm also scared of taking risks and falling flat on my face and hating myself for that... god i'm really making myself sound like a terrific person aren't I???!!!

Yeah but maybe knowing how we are we could understand eachother better and try and help eachother... I dunno, I get what you mean, I think i've got inner strength there's just something within me holding myself back... It always has, I know deep inside I am wasting my potential but i'm not a fighter, it takes guts and fight and passion not just hard work and talent or intelligence to be a success... You have to fight and i'm not good at fighting, I 'make do' for an easier life.... I'm harder and stronger than I once was, believe me, so much, I was ... well REALLY, REALLY bad when I was young... insecurity, lack of belief and confidence, issues with my past obesity and dealing with my sexuality (which really has been hard because in so many ways I am a very 'str8' person and for many reasons I have actually not wanted to accept or admit to being gay) apart from my genes which make me a naturally anxiety prone person all play a part...

god i'm being way too honest and open here aren't I???!!!... Your fault Andrew!!!!...

I'm with you on the being scared of risks part; it's as if feeling foolish is the worst fate of all.

Unlike you, I don't think I have inner strength...but I can see how, under certain circumstances, people with the same problems might be able to help each other out...at least they'd understand each other...if that's worth very much is another story...

hmmm.... well i'm always here to help if you want Andy.... The thing about folishness is a point - many people would laugh that off but falling flat on your face obviously makes you feel bad and then feeds on all your other negative attributes and thought proccesses - that's why the fear of that can be so big - fear of the unkown, fear of a lack of direction.... just fear... it feeds.... but obviously doing nothing doesn't help the mind either.... it's a hard one to balance out....

fuck off sun!!!...

mark wrote:hmmm.... well i'm always here to help if you want Andy.... The thing about folishness is a point - many people would laugh that off but falling flat on your face obviously makes you feel bad and then feeds on all your other negative attributes and thought proccesses - that's why the fear of that can be so big - fear of the unkown, fear of a lack of direction.... just fear... it feeds.... but obviously doing nothing doesn't help the mind either.... it's a hard one to balance out....

Exactly (re: the part in bold); sometimes doing nothing brings you an odd sense of peace, if you can do it completely enough. If you can stay at home all the time and hide in your bedroom...then, it's not all that bad. I know; I've tried.

But it's probably not the best way to live. It's only content because you've convinced yourself that there's no such thing as happiness, so then how can you be unhappy?

the cave

I've seen outside and not always liked what I've seen.

In my case, I think it was actually more going INTO the cave and trying to forget that there was something outside, trying to believe in the shadows...and not being able to...



(I'm assuming you were referring to Plato...if not, I have no fucking idea what you're on about.)